Saved by fate....more than once

(Late 2000)

Just in time -- before i got on a bus to California to be treated like a Birthmother Queen -- my Grandpa told me to look into this other agency he'd found in the phone book. So my Mom and I go check it out. We love it and immediately know it is a better choice for my baby and me than California.

This agency is NOT moving me to another state. Instead it will counsel me through this pregnancy and counsel the birthfather. It's not glamorous like the California gig, but it is what i so desperately needed.

I felt very comfortable with this agency. Their motto was "We listen. You decide." And that's what happened. Sounded too good to be true, but it WAS true.

So i proceeded with Lutheran Family Services, got my counseling for awhile, then it was time to pick some parents.

The agency gave me 5 profiles to look at and said to narrow it down to A & B. I knew little bit of what i wanted, I wanted younger, no kids, fun, happy, not very religious, really mean......just kidding.

Now I have my A & B choices. Our story has always had some interesting twists to it and this is one of them: Lori & Rob were not my A choice.

I had picked another couple for my first choice. I had their profile with me and I was so excited that I had to drive all over to show my family. While i am doing this i lost the profile because i had placed it on top of my car. I am so upset, freaking out, don't know what to do. Well i ended up finding it later at my neighbor's house in the street???? Then i get a call that couple A does not want to go through with it for various reasons. That i think was the best thing that ever happened to me. That day confirmed my B choice, Lori & Rob.

It was one of those things that was just meant to be.

Building our bridge

Skipping ahead in the story to make a Bridges post.

(Spring of 2001)

I remember well the day my daughter was going to go home with her family.

Tessa had been born early in the morning the day before. So i had already spent a day and a half with this beautiful, wonderful being. My baby girl. She was so small and precious.

With all the love in me i knew that she was going to have a chance because of the decision i was making.

I barely knew Lori & Rob. We had met once at the agency, once over dinner (my 4 year-old son joined us), and once at a get together of my family. All that in about 10 days' time.

In my heart i knew they were gonna be the best parents ever.

The morning of the day Tessa and I were to leave the hospital -- separately -- i was feeling very emotional, which is to be expected. I felt that i needed to call Lori and reassure her that my sadness was exactly what it was: sadness, not me changing my mind.

We had a long telephone conversation before they came back to the hospital. I tried to imagine what they were feeling. And at the same time i was managing my own emotions. I somehow knew it was very important for us to be very upfront with each other. Which meant i had to be very clear with myself.

I told Lori that I was sad. BIG sad. I told her that i was likely to cry. BIG cry. And i told her that in spite of all that, i was still certain that i was doing the best thing for my daughter. I asked her to trust me.

Did she? Did she believe me? It's hard now to remember that time of transition.

With this phone call, we started building our bridge of trust. And the trust building went both ways, as you'll see in future posts.

At that moment Lori and i became connected for life. We now have an enduring and deep friendship, with Tessa as the reason and trust as the foundation.

Choices?????

(Fall of 2000.)

By now i had to get honest with my mother and tell her that i was thinking adoption.

I needed her help to make a decision, not about adoption, but how to do an adoption.

Not knowing at all how or what to look for, I called the first place I saw in the Yellow Page listings. The first place didn't feel right. It was more take your number kind of thing.

Then i found another place that wanted to ship me to California. They promised an apartment, food, health care, all the glamor. At this point I had no idea what to do and all that glamor sounded good, but what about my son, my family, my life?

So I asked my Mom for her help. She knew about as little if not less about adoption than i did. By the way Mom was not real keen on my choice but knew that i was in a very bad situation. So imagine unsure Mom and confused, scared, vulnerable pregnant girl trying to figure out how to do an adoption.

With nothing but good intentions my Mom and I decided that I should go to California. That means that i would go live there for the duration of my pregnancy have the baby and come back, i guess like nothing ever happened. .......